Thursday, June 28, 2012

I sense a disturbance in the force

Strange happenings at work. Someone in management actually listened to me. Even stranger, he seemed to care. As did someone in HR.

I get to go to Burning Man. I get to take two weeks off, one week to drive up with Ken and help set up this camp we've been working on since we got home last year and one week for Burning Man. I was given the third week off too, but I offered to fly home on Labor Day and be there for go-live on Tuesday. He said I was generous to offer that. Get that? He said I was generous. Someone in my chain of command said something nice about me.

This particular shirt was once a supervisor of mine. Back in the giddy days. He would give us our marching orders and pretty much leave us alone to decide how to march and whether or not we took hostages. Anyway, now he's my "Acting Manager." So, since he'd been out of my loop for several years he let me fill him in on how its been going. We had an HR witness in the room. Thankfully she is the one that has been so helpful to me through all this crazy business.

So, I filled him in. At times I couldn't keep my eyes open. I just couldn't talk about these hurtful things and look at him. HR would remind me to breathe every now and then. Sometimes all I could do was whisper, but I got through it. Then he started gently asking questions. He is a soft spoken kind hearted man and I trusted him with my hurts.

HR told me that she is dedicated to helping me get into a job that is rewarding and challenging for me. My manager told me that he knows who I am. He knows what I am capable of. He knows what I can do. He told me that he is dedicated to helping me become me again. That he saw sparks of me in there, but he really wanted me to come back fully. And he hoped I would stay at the company because I am important.

And that is how we left it.

I came home completely drained. I would have thought I'd be exhilirated, but all I wanted to do was curl up on Ken's lap and sleep.

I lay in bed this morning while Ken made coffee. He's taken to being nude man in the morning. There is no danger of Sarah or Lillian being up THAT early. I listened to the sound of his feet, his curses as he stubbed his toe on that damn stool that has been in that same location stubbing his toe for four years now.

We made lunch, pattering around the island, getting this or that. Peaches or berries or both? One banana or two? We have peppered turkey or salsa turkey. No, only 12 grain bread. Hey, throw a couple of those EmergenC's in there would you?

Our shower was devine. We are nearing the end of this bar of soap. Next in line is a bar of Honey soap from Pure Life Soap.

I headed off to work for the first time without knots in my stomach.

I am healing.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Trudge, drudge, or skip and dance?

Snappy title no?

I've not had much to report. Life continues and I'm adjusting. Work remains one long trudge fest. I do so much better when I'm working a deadline or a crisis. These long days of nothingness are just not good for my brain. I start rehashing things. If I had said this, or if that person had stepped forward with truth, or if this person would listen. What if I went to that person? Would it make a difference?

I was going over all that with Ken when I got home and he bluntly said, Tamara, it's too late for anything there. It's just how long you can take it so we can get things paid down and you can quit. I will step in and quit for you if I see you sliding down that path again. It's not worth it. I'd rather have you than money.

He's right. Even if they remove the write up and I get any amount of my leave back, I'm still that crazy lady that fetal positioned at work. No manager there will touch me, even if I could apply for another position.

I'm concerned about my brain. I was knitting a simple little baby blanket. It has some pattern to it. Knit one side, then side two knit 8 (purl 8 knit 4)x8 then knit 8.  Do that for 12 rows then knit 8 rows. Repeat 17 times or so. For those that understand knitting patterns not hard right? For those that don't, trust me, it's not all that complicated. The first three sets I knit at home are spot on perfect. Then I took it to work and it's like my brain just turned off. I can't count to eight. On some rows it's completely backwards, I knit 8 and purled 4. Ok, I'm a newbie knitter and should cut myself some slack, except that even though I was looking at the work, I thought I was on track. It wasn't until I got home, ate supper and picked it up again did I see how off it was. All the knitting I did at work was a complete mess. All the knitting I'd done at home was perfect. So even with all this self awareness and even with medicinal assistance my brain gets a bit freaked out at work. Anyway, that shook me up. I put down that blanket and haven't picked it up again. I'm going to have to rip out three sections and right now it's a good reminder for me to not get too cocky and keep going with my recovery. Some complacency was creeping in.

Eat good food. Play every day. Create something. Meditate. Seek out those people in my life who are positive. Love with all my strength. Open myself to being loved back. Be kind.

When my mind starts spiraling on the what if's I need to pull it to what is real. Showers with Ken. Reading books with Lillian. Nude gardening (sorry kids, I'll pay for your first three therapy sessions. On second thought, screw it. Get over yourselves). Ok, I'm new to nude gardening. And I'm not completely nude. We'll call it nude-ish. Eating local peaches. Ken in his little white shorts.

It's my call. Trudge through the drudgery. Or live my life as happily as I want. One day, the happy part will come easy again. Like it was before I lost myself. I see glimmers of me coming back and have so much hope.

I do have a request. Send me some stories of things that inspire you. Ways that you fight your stress demons. What kindles the fire in your soul? I'd love to hear about you.


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Lillian's Guest Blog

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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Speaking to my heart

You're truly good and humanity is better just because you walk among us.


I have to say that is the best compliment (besides Ken's proposal) I have ever received. It was just a part of a note I received from a friend. The note was so sweet and thoughtful. But that sentence made me catch my breath. I received it on just the right day. One of those days when you are dealing with these people and you start to doubt yourself. I always considered myself a nice loving person. I don't have any hidden or secret agendas. What you see is what you get. If I am mad at you, you know it. If someone needs help, I do my best to help or find someone better suited for the need. I don't judge others on appearances or beliefs. I try to give people many many chances to do better. 


All the negativity at work about my attitude, the finger pointing and accusations about mistreating my co-workers somehow. I had started to question everything I did and said. I became afraid to talk to anyone. I didn't know who I was supposedly offending or how. I still don't.  So I didn't know who I could confide in or rely on. Having consequences for behaviors that sound so unlike me is just devastating. 


And then the compliment arrived in my inbox. 


I have a choice on who I let speak to my heart. 


Those people have power to do what they want with my job. They have power over where I have to sit and how I spend my time for 10 hours Monday through Thursday. But they do not have power over me, or my self esteem, or my values, or my beliefs. 


I AM a beautiful perfect child of my God. My goal in life is to do good and make the lives of the people around me better.


Thank you Brian. You are a gift. 

Are you smarter than a 2 year old?


Yesterday was a rough day. No big issues really, just sitting in the cubicle and it all hit me again. All of the last several months. And for what purpose? Leslie says I make myself crazy looking for the purpose. Sometimes there is no purpose, people are just assholes. Or so afraid for their own jobs that they are willing to sacrifice anyone or anything. I don't understand that mindset. I don't do well in a political corporate environment obviously.

When I got home last night I was going to write about my day. I sat in my recliner, opened my googlebook, and started to type. Lillian came over and was trying to hit the power button. She likes making the screen turn on and off. I kept telling her no, Mimi is using the computer right now. So she slams the lid shut. Almost snapped my fingers in it. Then she starts waving her hands for me to follow her - Come come. right now right now. I open my computer again and she runs over and snaps it shut again. NO NO MIMIS, come come. I stand up and she runs over to the tub of legos and sits, pats the ground next to her and says Sit. Yes Ma'am. We spend the next 15 minutes or so building towers and unbuilding towers. Then we read a book, then lay her doll babies down for their naps, then she hears a plane so we have to run outside and look for it. And then hey look, a rocking horse.

I forgot to play recently and I guess Lillian decided enough was enough, it was time to PLAY. And she was right.

We both end up in the back yard helping Ken put in the line for the drip irrigation for the Crepe Myrtle trees. I had my gloves on and Lillian grabbed them yelling let go let go let go let go. Her little hands fit into the palm area only, but she pushed dirt and tamped it down like a pro. Raking it all down was her favorite job. We talk samari when working. hitcheyaaaaaaaa, boonarrroooodueaaaaaaaaaaa. Her and I back and forth in our made up warrior talk. Even chores can be delightful.

Find your joy. Get it out and exercise it often. It makes all the rest of this bullshit less important.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Full Time

Ken spends a long time washing my feet today. He knows it's my favorite part of our shower and he really spends some time massaging and scrubbing them. We both look like prunes when we finally get out of the shower. This will be my first 10 hour day at work since the big collapse and we are both a little nervous.

He gives me the last peach, but he also gives me $20 to pick up some more from Gold's Orchards on my way home. The peaches are seem extra sweet this year. I don't know if its because the last few years have been such a bust, but this year every bite I take of one is followed by yums and ums.

Ken makes sure I have all of what he calls my survival gear with me. Lunch, cell phone, Chromebook (I refer to it as a googlebook), knitting bag, panic pills, and my book. He's waving as I go around the S-turn.

The morning starts off well. Goofing around with the guys in the SCADA department before 7. Getting coffee, watching some of the news. A fine group of gentlemen and ladies to greet a work day with.

A few calls and the day settles down into it's tedium. I look around at the walls of my cubicle and stand up and start doing toe touches and some stretches. There are computers all over the workbench that no one has labeled. I don't know if they are coming in or going out. I stand there looking at them and get pissed. I just don't feel like being the department maid today. Clean up after yourselves dang it. I have six kids, I don't want you.

They upgraded Helpstar over the weekend. This version is very different than what we had. I can't find anything and of course there was no training provided. We can figure it out. So I spend a good amount of time clicking around looking for queues and search functionalities. I get a couple call from other departments that use the program asking where something is and I just laugh. As soon as I find it I will let you know. Seriously this has to stop.

Then a well meaning co-worker calls to tell me that the Trainer position I'd been waiting for was open. The job was listed in the employee portal along with six supervisor positions. I sit there hoping she misread it. I make a point of not looking, I know it will hurt. Then another well meaning call, so I go look. Yep. There it is. Along with six other opportunities I would love to take advantage of, but I can't. I'm on probation for a year and am not allowed to apply. Plus, who am I kidding. No manager at the place will touch me now that I've had the big breakdown. Damaged goods with attitude.

So yes, I spent a bit of time having a pity party. Even teared up. Frank comes over and asks if I'm ok, I nod, explain, then reach for a panic pill. Just a 1/2 of one. Even before I take the pill I feel my brain just shut down. I am functioning but I am not feeling. If I feel I will cry. I'm not going to let these bastards make me cry again. I will copy/paste and reset passwords until I have certain goals met then I don't have to be here anymore.

Actions speak louder than words. I have heard a lot of words from this company, but their actions tell me exactly what they think of me and how much I am valued. You upgrade the program that I do 95% of my work from and you can't bother to provide any training. Loud and clear. I get it.

I stop at Gold Orchards on the way home and old man Gold is out in front with one flat of peaches left. I tell him I don't need that many. What if I sell this whole flat to you for $4? I'd be a fool to say no. Those peaches will freeze up just fine. Here, for a wink and a smile I'll let you have my last tomato. I give him a hug too. Thank you Mr. Gold, I needed that reminder. Life is good and sweet.


I'm home, I'm surrounded by people who love me and treat me even better than their words promise. I am blessed. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Shut Up and Reboot

Ken and I got off to a rough start this morning. He had his list of things for us to do today and we woke up later than he wanted. He was up a good thirty minutes before I was, but he had the coffee ready. While I drank a cup he was gathering tools. I knew we were off to a bad start already because he couldn't find anything he needed.

We are going to put in the drip irrigation tubing today for the tomatoes and the watermelons. It is best to work in the morning before it gets too hot, but last weekend we had Trevor and his family, and yesterday we had Christine and her family, so today is all we have. As much as I enjoy standing out there watering the tomatoes they have a better chance without having to rely on my mood. 

Ken is at the slamming drawers stage of this tool hunt. I pour him a bowl of cereal and hand it to him. Food really effects his mood. Mine too, but he has to deal with me, I have to deal with him. Here, eat this and don't talk to me until it's gone. He glares at me, but he eats. I pour myself a bowl too. I've had two cups of coffee at this point, but my brain still feels like mush. I just can't seem to think today. Lots of bad omens, but I trudge along following Ken's lead on what he wants to get done today. 

His tool hunt leads to emptying a hall closet. There have been two separate picking up the house events that involved throwing things in boxes and shoving them into closets. Perhaps the missing tools are in one of those boxes. Bad news is he finds a box of the kids projects from kindergarten/first grade/second grade. So many cute little stories, so many letters to Santa, so distracting. The sun keeps on rising and we are still putzing around in the house. 

Ken tells me his plan. He understands we are proceeding and doing A. I hear that we are doing B. He has moved on from A to C in his head and I didn't catch the transition. This is the way he works. He moves along and I anticipate what tool he needs next, keep the water full, ask little questions that keep him on task. But I have to know what the task is, and since I didn't really help do this before and my brain is mush and you really can't tell me four tasks at once right now because I just can't remember more than one thing at a time. By the time I figure out we are on plan D, his brain is moved on to J. We are completely out of sync. 

It's hot. This isn't really how I wanted to spend my Sunday morning, I'm still in my pajamas. I want more coffee. We seem to be missing one T connector and he really doesn't want to go buy one, we have to modify the design to work around it. I come up with two or three very viable plans, but he doesn't seem appreciative. When I talk I seem to disrupt his thought process going from Plan Q to R. He scowls and snaps at me. I realize as I'm standing there contemplating how many times this tube will wrap around his throat that perhaps I don't have to play. I drop (key word DROP, not THROW) my tools and gloves and without saying a word go inside. I start a cup of coffee and wash off some cherries. I'm standing at the island eating cherries waiting on the coffee when Ken comes in. He takes one look at me and gets a peach and goes to the other side of the island. We stand eating our fruit looking at each other over the island. 

Are you going to come back outside and help me? Hell no. Even if I say I'm sorry. Even then, I'm done. I wanted to get to work early this morning but you slept late. Just thirty minutes later than you. Well, then you started looking through those boxes. You were looking too and that's been the only fun part of today. Life isn't just fun all the time. Ken I love you very much but right now I'd trade you for a cup of coffee and a puppy.

That sends him outside. I eat my cherries and drink my coffee. By the end of the cup I'm feeling bad and go looking for him. He's in the shed. Oh crap. I have to get him out of there or I'm going to spend the rest of the day sorting through boxes trying to avoid spiders.

I invite him to come back inside with me and take a shower. He stands contemplating things and comes back in, but we aren't talking to each other. Clothing is removed, teeth brushed, all without talking. In the shower Ken scoops up all the little left over bits of soap and works up a lather on the poof and starts washing my back. The lather smells like a summer garden all mixed up together like that. By the time he gets to my feet we are laughing and when it's my turn to wash him all the frustration and anger of the morning has been washed away from us. 

New rule, from now on we start our day with coffee and a shower, or it's not worth doing. I agree with him. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Farewells and Hellos

Christine, Isidro, and the girls just left to go back to McAllen. Ken and I stood in the road waving and blowing kisses until they disappeared around the S-turn.  It seems we are at that time in life where every hello eventually means a goodbye. Our house goes from quiet to exploding with kids, grandkids, and energy and back to quiet in such a flash of a moment. I miss the constant energy of children. Sometimes. Other times I love the solitude and peace of Ken and I just bumping around out here on the ranch.

I've been thinking about my life and decisions past. Missed opportunities. Some due to fear of the unknown, some to ignorance, some to lifestyle choices. But I keep coming back to the fact that I love my life. There were things I wish I'd done differently, but it is what it is and here I am.

I have two big regrets. The first is that I didn't explore more opportunities to create. I had such a limited idea of what art was, that I never could find an outlet. Sounds silly, but Burning Man opened that up for me. It showed me that art can be anything. Self expression takes many many forms, and they are all wonderful and important. Anything that lifts your heart, or releases something from within you is art. Negative or positive. To release your fears and dreams into the universe is a gift to you and to me. Even art you think is really bad is a thing of beauty to someone else. The artist that releases their insides to the world in any form has no idea how far the ripples of their influence spread.  But, to get better at whatever it is, you have to do it. Just do it, and do it again. And then do it again. Learn from what you think is a mistake and try something else. My mistakes are what have pushed me into trying something new. And Leslie was right. Thinking creatively about one thing opened my mind and heart to thinking creatively about the rest of my life. Yes, I'm still stuck in a cubicle, but I'm thinking outside of it to come up with ideas and solutions to changing my life. I'm not just sitting there feeling the greyness of it all collapsing around on me.

My other regret is not buying the picture of Tyler and I on The Rattler at Six Flags when he was in 6th grade. I can pull that moment back up in my mind at will, but I would love to share that picture with Tyler's children.     Tyler hated roller coasters. Deathly afraid. He hated any kind of ride that spun him around really, but add height to the equation and the sweet boy was miserable. I don't think he'd ever actually ridden one, just looking at them he knew that wasn't for him.  I was convinced that if I just got him on one he would get past the fear and have fun with it. After all he loved rollerblading and skateboarding. He would jump any ramp, ride any rail, but looking back on it in those activities he had some measure of control. On a roller coaster you are at the mercy of the rail and the safety bar.

Somehow on that day at Six Flags I managed to convince Tyler of the funness of getting past your fear. That getting whipped around in a metal cage on a wooden roller coaster would be a blast. And this was back before Six Flags rebuilt the Rattler to tame it a little. People actually were getting whiplash, but I didn't know that at the time of course. I worked on Tyler from the time we got to the park, pointing out all the people getting off the different roller coasters, how they were all laughing and smiling. Finally at about 4:00 in the afternoon Tyler gave in. But you PROMISE it's fun right mom? Yes Tyler, I promise it's fun.

In the picture Six Flags takes on that very first big drop at the very beginning of the ride I am laughing hysterically and I am decidedly NOT looking at Tyler. Because when I looked at him the split second before they took the picture he was glaring at me with such hatred and anger I knew if he could somehow pry his hands off the safety rail my life would be in danger. But I knew his hands weren't coming off that rail. He was gripping so hard his arms were shaking from the strain of his grip. He managed to spit out between his clinched teeth THIS IS NOT FUN and that is when they took the picture. Me hysterically laughing and my sweet sweet son glaring at me wishing I were dead. And that's how he remained for the rest of the ride. When it finally ended while we were waiting for the bar to release I told him how sorry I was and that I would never push him to do something he didn't want to do again, except homework. He wouldn't look at me at that point, would not even to talk to me. When the bar released he sprang out of that seat and took off. He didn't talk to me for several days.

I really wish I'd bought that picture.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Life Goes On Part Two


This is an abbreviated version of an article in the little local paper:

Local police are investigating the thefts of Ipads and Macbooks. Several suspects have been identified and more are being look at. Some of the items have been recovered.  Police are interested in talking with you if you have purchased or received as a gift an Ipad or a Macbook from anyone in the area.

Indeed.

Today I have a completely different attitude towards my ex-manager. Some people make the worst decisions and put themselves in positions that are just ridiculous. I hope she experiences all the consequences possible from her actions. Hopefully there is someone to take care of her kids if she gets jail time.

There are a lot of rumors flying around and a lot of speculation. If even 1/2 of it pans out, holy smokes. These idiots have been in charge of me. Absolutely no integrity, morals or ethics. I have no sympathy for thieves. Especially thieves who made the paychecks these people made. Greed and entitlement, pure and simple. I knew she was a very capable liar. I've been on the hurt end of that stick, but this.  Wow.








Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Life Goes On

I bought two new soaps the other day. Pre de Provence Lime Zest and Sweet Magnolia. I tried to find a more manly scent for Ken's sake, but he took one whiff of the magnolia and that was that. Lovely lather, not bubbly, a rich thick lather that is simply divine. I can't wait to get to the Lime Zest. I love a good citrus soap. When I first typed that line I typed Citrix. I knew something was off, but it took me a while to figure it out. Already work is taking over my brain.

So Ken has been going off to work each morning smelling of colgate toothpaste, colgate shaving cream, old spice original scent deodorant, and Pre de Provence sweet magnolia. I just smell like toothpaste and magnolia. He smells so yummy it's hard to stop hugging him and get out the door. This morning I rubbed my scarf on his chest and tried to capture the scent so I could have it with me at work. Didn't catch it all, but quite a bit.

We have had three days of work life without the management we had before and so far you can't really tell they're gone. We all just do our jobs and keep our heads down. I tried to reply and have some input to my direct bosses latest attempt at documenting something and immediately was put in my place. So, she is what and who she is regardless of who is supervising her. I wonder if she notices that none of us have anything to say in our staff meetings anymore. We all sit there and look at her like Whatever. It doesn't do any good to have an opinion or correct you. You have it in your head what you want and come hell or high water that's how it's going to be. Carry on, continue with the total destruction of all that we do well. I have my happy pills and a plan or two of escape.

Now that the other two are gone at least there won't be anyone there to cover the crap anymore. I have complete confidence in our new GM's ability to hire people. Our new CFO and General Counsel are excellent. If he hires an IT manager 1/2 as good, we have a chance. We have a new HR Manager but I don't know enough about her to make a judgment yet.

We still don't have an appeals process for write ups and for lying management. We are still in dire need of a voice on our behalf. The PEOPLE in our HR department are some of the best that God made, but the policies they have to work with, wow. Knowing their kind hearts, I can only imagine how tough it is sometimes.

And, there is a part of me that is worried about my old manager. She is a single mom and sole provider for her children. That concerns me. I know I know, she didn't worry about what she was doing to me or too my family. But she has to live with that. I have to live with me. And I'm concerned for her. Now, my old assistant  GM can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned. No sympathy at all. He has done too much harm to people I care about and to the company I work for me to give a crap how he ends up. I wish I could run into him so I could give him a nice fake hug and then tell him what a douche I think he is.

I almost said that without feeling guilty. I'll work on it.


Monday, June 11, 2012

Astounding

Today I discovered that my manager and assistant general manager were fired. I say discovered because a person approached me in the parking lot when I pulled into work and said Hey, I heard a rumor. I went in and took a look in active directory and sure enough, the big red X of termination. Then I looked in HelpStar and sure enough, two Helpstars entered, one per person removing access. I helped out and sent the child request to Telecom to disable their phones.

I am only back to work partial days still and when I left at 1:00 there has not been any official notification email, meeting, or hey guess what from anyone in any kind of supervisory role in my department. No official announcement of who's in charge in the interim. Nothing. There are lots and lots of rumors, but nothing official.

So far the only effect this has had on me is I can't stop eating. My stomach has been shrunk to the size of a walnut for months and after I saw the big red X of confirmation I was suddenly ravenous. Seriously, I can't stop eating. One peach, a plum, a Milky Way, one turkey/cheese sandwich, a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, two fudge pops, a chocolate shake, one coke, four cups of coffee with cream and sugar, and as I type this I'm remembering we have 1/4 of a watermelon in the fridge.

And the whole giggling thing needs to stop. Seriously. I hate to see anyone lose their job. But I can't stop giggling. And my hands are trembling. I was trying to knit so I wouldn't eat, but I keep dropping the needles.

Ok, maybe I don't mind so much these two losing their jobs really. The assistant general manager one has been a poison to our company for many, many years. I'm so glad someone above him finally saw it. I'm so thankful I only work partial days. The giggling thing has to stop.

I have no idea what this means for me. Probably nothing. The write up is still in my file and I have still had to use up every hour of vacation and sick leave I had saved. Short term disability still thinks workers' comp should pay, workers comp still says no.

But I don't have that complete powerless, hopeless feeling in my gut anymore.

I am home, I am safe, and I can't stop eating and giggling. Perhaps that's not a bad thing.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

KnitLuck Angela

Today I would like to introduce the marvelous woman who encouraged me to knit. Angela is a new friend of mine and has a sweet story of how knitting helped her through some stressful times. Visit her blog Knitluck.com to see how she's turned her hobby into a way of life. 

This is Angela's story...


It's very hard for me to write about the specifics on how knitting changed my life. I had married the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I was not strong enough nor honest enough with myself about what I was getting myself into. Getting out of the marriage caused a great deal of pain to a lot of people. I was young at the time and we all make mistakes, an idea that which only provides the barest of comforts. The fact was that I really wanted to love the man I was marrying, but wanting to love someone and actually loving them were two completely different things.

The choices I made were reflective of rampant low self esteem and perhaps a bit of laziness. Something subconscious felt that if I paired myself with a successful person that I wouldn't have to be successful myself. This is a very cowardly kind of success, to avoid failure by latching onto your partner's accomplishments. I justified it by believing that I was in fact making things easier for myself, never realizing that the easy road has far fewer reward and that someone else's success no matter how supportive you were is never your own.

I was just out of college. All of my friends had moved to LA. I discovered late in the game that I hated film production. After spending 5 years studying film, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I got an office job to make some money and pretended like I was being successful in some way. I was feeling successful, but lonely and unfulfilled. I tried quilting, but didn't feel very good at it and it was hard to find straightforward instructions on how to quilt. I enjoyed cooking, but doing dishes was never a way for me to relieve stress. All this time I felt empty, but couldn't figure out why. On paper, shouldn't I be thrilled. My partner was handsome, and hugely successful, and most importantly, he needed me.

One day, early in our relationship, he said something to me that bothered me enough to leave his house while he was in the shower without so much as a note. Then I wrote him an email saying how I didn't think we were ready for a relationship. I don't remember what the fight was about exactly, but I do know that I felt like he hadn't listened to me and I felt misunderstood and that he had turned my own words against me. I didn't like to fight that way. That night over the phone he told me how immature I was being and that he didn't want to break up. I listened half-heartedly, maybe a little proudly listening to this person try to win me back. But then he said in the most pathetic voice "I need you" and suddenly our relationship had a raison d'etre. I had a part to play in the world and it was to be needed by this person, melting away any needs of my own that I might have.


It was September 2004 and I had just married him. We were deep in the honeymoon phase of the marriage. Dancing around the house to our wedding song when the phone rang. It was the worst news: my husband's brother was in a medically induced coma due to septicemia. Within hours, my brand new husband was on a plane overseas for who-knows-how-long. Not only was there grief and worry for my in laws, but suddenly our marital bliss was stopped cold. I found myself alone during a time when I was expecting to be building a life with someone else. The whole situation was heartbreaking.


Alone in the house I got restless and stuck in a gloomy funk. I was interminably focused on my sadness and anxiously awaited any news over email. I would cry on the phone to my mom, something for which she had no patience. It didn't take her long before she told me to snap out of it, which was a bit of a wake up call. It felt a little wrong to try to do something to make myself feel better when so many people that I cared about were in so much pain. Even then I wasn't quite sure what to do. TV wasn't enough, waiting for news by email was just crazy-making, Facebook didn't exist yet. Something in my head said "When in doubt learn something new". I remembered that a Michael's had just opened nearby and headed over there to buy a learn-to-knit kit. 


It wasn't too hard to pick the kit. I wanted something the least offensive looking that looked like it might have been designed in the current decade. Some of the blanket kits looked too difficult. I didn't feel like I knew what I was doing well enough to buy my own yarn and needles. I needed some serious guidance. Fortunately, Lion Brand had their Learn to Knit Kit with a simple looking scarf in a nice enough blue. I went with that and brought it home. 


I turned on Entertainment Tonight, poured myself a glass of wine and looked closely at the instructions. Then I went to get another glass of wine. I tried casting on a couple of times, but just ended up with floppy noodles around my needles. I put it down for a little bit and tried again, but this time something clicked. Instead of doing the backwards loop cast on which turned my brain a little upside down, I did the knitted on cast on which was a boon because not only was I learning how to cast on, but I was already learning the knit stitch. 


Soon enough I was knitting every row for garter stitch. At first my stitches were very tight and rough on my wrists. I was so afraid of dropping a stitch that I held the yarn for dear life. Soon my grip loosened and knitting became more natural. It was instantly gratifying to see my work in progress. I was teaching myself something that I never thought I'd be able to do. I was teaching myself something that others had tried to show me, but didn't stick and it was all coming naturally to me. I became addicted to watching the rows grow beneath the needles. I couldn't wait to learn how to do this other stitch, the purl stitch. Soon the wine caught up with me and the late hour too and I headed off to bed, feeling a little lighter.


The beginning of my scarf sat on my coffee table over night and it was the first thing I looked at the next morning. Somehow the passage of time has relaxed the stitches, they seemed straighter, the rows smoother as if by magic. I wanted to sit longer and admire my knitting, but I had to go to work... so I put it in my purse. From that moment on, I was a knitter and there have been very few times when I haven't carried a knitting project with me wherever I go.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Chapter Thirty-Four, Or how history matters

Many years ago my company had a CEO that made Napoleon look like a wimp. Iron fist, absolute control, all that. I used to say that if we were a cult we would already be at the point where only he could have sex with the women. And the old adage "absolute power corrupts absolutely" came to be true. The man and our board were under investigation, tempers ran high. We minions walked on eggshells lest we disturb the beast and get fired before he did. And in the meantime we had to sign cards, stand outside with signs proclaiming our love of our board, look sad and distressed in our come to Jesus meetings with the CEO and our classes on how to talk to the public about all the bad press etc. Many employees were feeding that information to the press, but at work it was eyes on the monitor, fingers on the keyboard and shut the hell up. Until recently I would have to say it was the single most stressful time of my working life.

During that time the CEO's laptop died. I received a frantic call from his secretary to get a laptop over to the board room NOW. We didn't have any set up. The CEO didn't particularly believe the company needed laptops and they were doled out selectively. Most of the managers weren't even allowed to have a computer, much less a laptop. I started calling all the I.T. people I knew who had a laptop (I did not have one myself) and got hold of "Rachel." Rachel had a laptop, but didn't want to let CEO use it for one reason or another. I tried to explain the urgency of the situation, and she started yelling at me, so I hung up and starting calling other people. While I was making all the calls I was also frantically throwing a base load onto a laptop. That process took about 40 minutes at that time.

A few minutes after hanging up on Rachel, as I was sitting at the workbench with my back to the door, a laptop goes flying by my ear, smacks against the back wall of the workbench and then onto the work table. I said something like "what the hell" and turned around. There's Rachel, and she's yelling at me to NEVER HANG UP ON ME AGAIN. I tell her I don't have time for this and turn around and continue trying to build the new laptop. She grabs my left shoulder (the one with the torn rotator cuff that I had been doing physical therapy on for about 2 - 3 weeks). I screamed. It literally felt like my shoulder blew up. I turned around and told her I didn't have time for this and to go away. I turned back to the workbench and she grabbed my shoulder again. I screamed again.

My other coworker, Kathy, yep, the same one that can't stand me for some reason I've never been informed of, told us both to shut the hell up.

I got up and headed for the door. There were no supervisors in our building and I was heading across the street to find Cliff. The one supervisor that I had always trusted at work. I wasn't going to tell him what happened, I was just going to ask him to keep Rachel away from our area. Rachel catches me at the street and reminds me that CEO needs a laptop and that I don't have time to talk to Cliff. I agree and I tell her that she and I will talk after this was over and get this straight. And I told her to never touch me again.

One of my other calls was returned and a laptop was delivered that worked, and I ran it over to the CEO. One crises down. I returned to my desk and there were Cliff and Juan. They informed me that Rachel had come to them saying that I had cussed her out and threatened her. She was very upset and what did I think I was doing. Oh no, wait a minute, that's not what happened. And I told my side. They went away to talk to management.

She lied her butt off because she knew if I told what happened she would get fired. I understand how scared she was and how much she needed her job. I understood the kind of stress we were all under. What she did not know was that I would never have told Cliff. I was planning on cooling off, letting her cool off, and take her for an ice cream and talk it out.

All the only witness said was that we were arguing and she didn't want to hear it. So, my word against hers. We both got in equal trouble.  I, however, was injured. My rotator cuff was a little more torn and it set my therapy back to scratch. I lost all the progress I had made.

And I developed quite a bad attitude. A co-worker that I liked and trusted had physically and verbally attacked me and then lied. And I got in trouble for it. Since I didn't just sit down and take the punishment, I received a written reprimand.

Then the CEO retired in disgrace, eventually he was tried and convicted of money laundering and other things. We are now on our second CEO since that one and a new board of directors. We still have most of the managers and supervisors that were hired and trained by that first CEO still in charge. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Fast forward to this year.  This is the most stress I have been under at work since that incident. It is the same exact walking on eggshells everyone is tense and pissed off feeling as it was back then.

One of the signs that I am fixing to go into a panic attack is that my shoulder starts hurting. My therapist believes that on the day of my collapse, I was so tense and so stressed out, my brain chemicals were so depleted, I was sitting there doing the same kind of work in the same kind of work area, and my subconscious brain was waiting for a laptop to go flying by my head and for someone to physically hurt me. She believes this is the reason I was so fearful and the collapse so spectacular. A mini version of PTSD.

That write up is also the reason I was given by HR as to why my manager and supervisor were able to write me up this time without any documentation. I have a documented work history of cussing and threatening physical violence. And it is all a lie. To protect someone else's job.

Life isn't fair sometimes, but this seems beyond the pale.

Progress however is that I was just able to type all that out without taking a panic pill. I am healing.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Cobie's Scarf


I had a request for a specific color that I don't usually play around with much so I thought I'd play with it today.

Introducing:

Green


Colorhue colors Green, Yellow, Black
8mm Habotai Silk Scarf 


Fill a sandwich ziploc baggie just a tad bit less than 1/2 way with water. Add 6 to 8 drops of green and 3 to 4 drops of yellow. I wet the silk and immersed in the baggie. Zip it shut and shake it around so that the dye gets into the silk. If I want it to be splotchy I don't shake it up. If you want you can open the bag and swirl it around with your hand to make sure there isn't an area stuck together. Remove the scarf from the bag and squeeze out excess water. If you let it sit long enough the silk will suck all the color out of the water and you are left with clear water for the next item!  

Then accordian fold the silk lengthwise. Secure the end of the silk on tube. Any old kind of tube works, mine happens to be 1 inch PVC pipe about 12 inches long. Then wrap the silk an a diagonal, sides touching, but not over lapping. 

Sorry, I didn't think to start taking pictures until I got this far. 


Once you have a good amount of the scarf wrapped around start pushing it up towards the rubber band so that is scrunches up evenly. Secure the other end with a rubber band. 


Once both ends are secure wrap the scarf tightly all over with thread. I usually tie it at one end then just wind the spool around. Then you can really scrunch the scarf up a lot. The string will help you bunch it up. Slip the rubber bands off the scarf, but leave them on the pole at the end of the scarves. This helps keep the scarf from slipping off if your thread comes loose or wasn't real tight to begin with. 


I then used eye droppers to put three different greens on the scarf. First one was about 1/4 cup water with 8 drops green, the second was 1/4 cup water with 20 drops green, the third was 1/4 cup of water with 20 drops green and five drops of black. 


Applied by the dropper full lengthwise to the scarf in a random pattern. 

The finished product:




It is still wet in this picture so is a bit more transparent than it will be when dry. I will post pictures of it later when it dries. 

I'm doing another one with the same technique, but with different tones of green and with some brown added. I'll post the end result of that later too. 

So, Ken didn't think Cobie's scarf had enough color so we have modified it. 

Rubber band each end of the scarf to either end of the pvc pipe. Bunch the scarf and place rubber bands around scarf/pole until the entire scarf is bunched up. Wrap with thread. Then saturate it with more 20 drop green, and then more 20 drop green with 6 drops black added. 

It's annoying when he's right lol















Monday, June 4, 2012

Things I learned this week


Fine dirt does in fact feel tickly and a little like bugs sliding down your back.

Lillian could sit for hours and dump dirt on her Mimi while her Mimi dumped dirt on her.

Candy is yummy. Dirt is ok. But Candy dipped in dirt is the bomb diggety. I got this second hand from Lillian.

Lillian's mommy does not like to nurse babies that are covered in dirt and sticky candy.

My new grandson Jett is a cuddler, but when he's awake he'd just as soon be propped up on something looking around.

Baby spit up still wipes off and really isn't as gross as Ken lets on.

I let way too much time go by between visits with my grandchildren.

WalMart yarn is cheap for a lot of reasons. It's a good yarn to learn with, but I don't really want to give anything I knit from it to anyone I care about.

We need a good yarn store in this town.

I need to own that store or I will need to get four more jobs.

I can calm myself from a panic attack before it gets full blown crazy making.

Ken does not like to have a conversation when driving in traffic. And all my little pointers about the various people on the road who are trying to kill us aren't all that helpful.

Ken does occasionally want me to "look at someone" when we drive by. I get to use my really mean face.

If Lillian is throwing a tantrum and I get down on the floor and throw one too, she doesn't know what to do.

My grandson Corbin gets just as excited about getting a book about horses as he does getting a BB gun for his birthday.

Corbin's mom says he can not shoot birds with his bb gun. I am taking over/unders on that.

When a four year old grandson climbs on your lap and you feel the sun warmed skin of his cheek resting on your shoulder, your heart grows two sizes.

People who tell you that God doesn't give you what you can't handle irritate the crap out of me.

There are people out there who try to one up your version of crazy. I know I'm not as crazy as your uncle, but I was crazy enough that it interfered with my life. That's all I need to know really. Knowing your uncle is certifiable doesn't really make me feel any better about me, but I do want to go hug him.

It really is fun to dye things under a tie-dyed monkey hut.

To get Ken to turn on the A/C all it really takes is to walk in the room and say "it's too hot to even THINK about sex."

Knitting with a silk/bamboo blend yarn is like knitting water.



Chapter Thirty-Three

This is my second week back to work part time and the insomnia is starting again. Well OK, maybe i'm exaggerating, the "I can't get to sleep and I'm laying here coming up with everything that can go wrong scenarios" is back. Or at least it was last night. Nightmares too. I had to revert to old tricks to get to sleep. No, not Ambien, not ever again on that. Deep breathing, breathe in through the nose two three four, breathe out through your mouth two three four. There is an old camp song that I sing over and over in my head, I have no idea why it works "oh i'd rather suck a lemon drop than try my luck with a lollipop, cause a lollipop falls off the stick and it gets all over icky ew icky icky icky. I've tried and tried, but still I can't find...A lollipop that is half way divine, so i'd rather suck a lemon drop" etc etc repeat as many times as necessary. Usually that will at least stop the scenarios from building and replaying. I have no idea why that song works, but it does. Once my brain is calmer, I can start basic meditation. Once I get to this stage it takes up to two hours sometimes to get to sleep, but at least I'm not spinning down the rabbit hole.

Now nightmares, those just sneak up on you and get you by the throat. Usually I reach out and touch Ken, feel that he is real. Ken said I told him I loved him a lot last night. I don't remember that though. Most of my nightmares are just me walking and something is behind me, or in front of me, or beside me, that is going to hurt me. I don't exactly hear the JAWS soundtrack, but that's the feeling. Just impending doom. There is a Stephen King book, I don't remember which one exactly, where a little boy disappears in the first chapter and then he is never mentioned again. I didn't particularly care for the book, it was tediously long and I thought over worked, but I had to read the whole stupid thing because of that one little kid. The whole time all these awful things were happening to people and my heart and my brain worked overtime with what the heck Stephen was doing to that little boy. Somewhere towards the end of the book, he just appears again. My nightmares are like that. Just awful. Something is wrong, or someone is missing, and that heavy heart, stomach in knots, arms hurt, dread fills me. I can go back to sleep pretty quickly after one, but I have several of them a night.

All that to say that the doctor is only letting me go back six hours a day next week. Then back to full 10 hour days, four days a week the week after that. She thought perhaps jumping back in to full time might be a bit premature. I did make it through today without having to take a panic pill. I did knit half of a scarf while I was there though. That does help me so much. So far there hasn't been any blow back about the knitting. I'm taking my full share of calls and emails so work is getting done. And scarves aren't all that involved, I can put them down and pick them up again without having to do a lot of "what the heck was I doing here."

My short term memory has shown some improvement. Of course as I say that I look outside and my car door is standing open as I forgot to go back out and get my lunchbox. Jake the dog has his paws up on my dash looking for food. My callers at work are being very patient as I ask them fourteen times "who am I talking too again?" I'm sure it just fills them with confidence that I'm actually going to get their issues down right. Interestingly enough my long term memory is just fine. Work related fixes and things like that pop right in, I just can't remember who I was just talking too on the phone, or what he called about. I'm learning to take notes on everything.

I am laughing again. Not my full on, full throat-ed laugh of old, but a good belly laugh from time to time has erupted and taken me by surprise. Usually brought on my Lillian, but I've even laughed at work. So slowly I am coming back into myself. Which is good, because I really do like me.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Chapter Thirty-Two

This morning I got to dawdle a bit after Ken left for work. Doctor appointment at 8:00 so she can see how my meds and I are getting along. The medical office has little old lady volunteers in the lobby who greet you. One sweet little thing toddled over to me and pat my shoulder, Oh honey you are looking so much better, you had me worried for a bit. Gotta love a small town. I was once dancing around in my car listening to Cake, Short Skirt, Long Jacket and three people called to ask what station I had my radio on.

Dr. Nancy is pleased with my progress. We will continue the meds for a  minimum of six months, we can talk then about tapering off. We will see where we are. I want to see you again in three to four weeks. You are seeing Leslie every week right? Ok, no changes to meds, I need to feel your liver, hop up here. All good, great reflexes, follow my pen with your eyes. Good, good. Well, how old are you again? 52? You look fabulous. Rock on Tamara, keep up the good work.

I love Dr. Nancy.

This is really the slow, tedious part of my recovery. Each minute that I make it through is a minute that I now have to show myself I'm ok. This place can't really kill me and I am learning tricks to keep my body from going into fight or flight. I recognize the signs quicker and have remedies. I know who I can call for help, I know who I need to avoid. The circles of trust have been clearly established and are now ingrained in my mind and I will not forget them again.

And I'm off to work. No fear of passing a cop today. People are blowing by me on the highway and I'm having a hard time keeping my foot on the gas. Finally I just crank it up to 70 and turn on cruise control. The sooner I get there, the quicker my four hours start and end.

My goal is to make it through the four hours without having to take a pill. I don't make it. Just pulling into the driveway and seeing her car gets my face and chest itching. I have got more work to do on getting my power back. That's ok, every day, minute by minute, I am stronger. I brought several of my scarves and sarongs with me and I sit in my cubicle and play with the silk. I clear the Helpstar queue of anything that I can do and then I knit. I have this work ethic that makes it hard for me to sit and knit on the clock so I put it down and pick it up quite a bit. Knitting calms my racing brain, stops the fidgets dead, and just generally makes me feel better.

One of my co-workers has brought in dates stuffed with bleu cheese, wrapped in bacon and baked. Maybe he grilled them, not sure. Oh. My. God. Ok, there are some benefits to being in this building. I get a lot of Hoorays! when I answer the phone, glad you are back! I've missed you! Don't leave us ever again, we need you! I know you can't talk openly but hang in there girl, there are so many of us pulling for you! I call dibs on the pink sarong, when you get back from burning man just inner office mail it to me. Sally says she wants the sky blue one.

Look for the good, eat good food, create something, play.


Working this week has provided me with the funds to go to East Texas and see my three grandsons. A brief visit, but I get to hug and squeeze all three of them. For that I am thankful. Look for the good, look for the good.