Chapter Thirty-Two

This morning I got to dawdle a bit after Ken left for work. Doctor appointment at 8:00 so she can see how my meds and I are getting along. The medical office has little old lady volunteers in the lobby who greet you. One sweet little thing toddled over to me and pat my shoulder, Oh honey you are looking so much better, you had me worried for a bit. Gotta love a small town. I was once dancing around in my car listening to Cake, Short Skirt, Long Jacket and three people called to ask what station I had my radio on.

Dr. Nancy is pleased with my progress. We will continue the meds for a  minimum of six months, we can talk then about tapering off. We will see where we are. I want to see you again in three to four weeks. You are seeing Leslie every week right? Ok, no changes to meds, I need to feel your liver, hop up here. All good, great reflexes, follow my pen with your eyes. Good, good. Well, how old are you again? 52? You look fabulous. Rock on Tamara, keep up the good work.

I love Dr. Nancy.

This is really the slow, tedious part of my recovery. Each minute that I make it through is a minute that I now have to show myself I'm ok. This place can't really kill me and I am learning tricks to keep my body from going into fight or flight. I recognize the signs quicker and have remedies. I know who I can call for help, I know who I need to avoid. The circles of trust have been clearly established and are now ingrained in my mind and I will not forget them again.

And I'm off to work. No fear of passing a cop today. People are blowing by me on the highway and I'm having a hard time keeping my foot on the gas. Finally I just crank it up to 70 and turn on cruise control. The sooner I get there, the quicker my four hours start and end.

My goal is to make it through the four hours without having to take a pill. I don't make it. Just pulling into the driveway and seeing her car gets my face and chest itching. I have got more work to do on getting my power back. That's ok, every day, minute by minute, I am stronger. I brought several of my scarves and sarongs with me and I sit in my cubicle and play with the silk. I clear the Helpstar queue of anything that I can do and then I knit. I have this work ethic that makes it hard for me to sit and knit on the clock so I put it down and pick it up quite a bit. Knitting calms my racing brain, stops the fidgets dead, and just generally makes me feel better.

One of my co-workers has brought in dates stuffed with bleu cheese, wrapped in bacon and baked. Maybe he grilled them, not sure. Oh. My. God. Ok, there are some benefits to being in this building. I get a lot of Hoorays! when I answer the phone, glad you are back! I've missed you! Don't leave us ever again, we need you! I know you can't talk openly but hang in there girl, there are so many of us pulling for you! I call dibs on the pink sarong, when you get back from burning man just inner office mail it to me. Sally says she wants the sky blue one.

Look for the good, eat good food, create something, play.


Working this week has provided me with the funds to go to East Texas and see my three grandsons. A brief visit, but I get to hug and squeeze all three of them. For that I am thankful. Look for the good, look for the good.