What I have learned

My job does not define who I am. I can detach emotionally from this cubicle hell I am in. I can do my job to exceed my own satisfaction and take pride I how I do it. I do not need to look to my "food chain" for affirmation of what I do for my company. I look to my coworkers gratitude. I look to my callers heart felt appreciation of the help I provide. I look to that feeling I get figuring out an issue and resolving problems. I can look in my heart and my intentions and know that I gave fully of myself and my abilities. I earned my paycheck honestly.

You are not my family. Despite what you say at rewards banquets and mandatory staff meetings, you are not my family. Your words have rung hollow and cheap for too long. Too many of us have been hurt and no longer believe you. I do not have to drink the koolAid to be proud of what I do. In fact, by looking at you for what you really are, by recognizing your duplicity, I realize how strong I am. You did not and will not break me.

I am an Artist. With a capital A.  I create beautiful things.

I have a tribe.

I belong.

I am.

Forever and a day

Wow. It has been forever and a day since I've updated anything in here. I have been well. Continuing to learn and grow, continuing to be spoiled by my wonderful husband. Some of the situations at work have been "dismissed." Others remain. Choices I have made leave me stuck working there. Mortgage,  co-signed student loans, living in the middle of nowhere. I am unable to find a job in the area that pays within $8.00 an hour of this one. To quit, we have to move. There is no hope of a lateral move at work. The breakdown has left me as damaged goods. To hire me would be to take a risk, and this is not a safe place to risk anything.

To survive at work I have had to fundamentally change who I am. Maybe that is too harsh, maybe not. I am an extrovert. I enjoy seeing and interacting with people. Making it through a day in a gray cubicle is like slow death. I have to reward myself with little breaks from the monotony. Look through photo galleries, little mini knitting sessions, Facebook. Little reminders that this will pass and this is not my world, it is just a means to an end. However I am finding myself retreating into myself more and more. Becoming an introvert.

I invest emotionally in all that I do. I just can't do this with work. It is an unsafe place for people who care. I won't lie, this is the primary reason I am still on medication. To watch people I care about be treated as idiots, to watch their hard work get minimized and devalued. It's rough. I joke about starting a pool to see who leaves next. I've never seen such a demoralized and depressed group of people in my life. For years I was the cheerleader, but I am all used up. All I do now is say I'm sorry and recommend drugs that end in pam. I've had to learn how to care less. Detach. The difficult part of this is compartmentalizing the detachment.

I have learned much about myself this year. I am continuing to learn.