Chapter Eight

Saturday morning and the dang alarm is going off at 5:00. Hit it! Crap. Back asleep again. We both snooze until 8:30. Extremely late for us. Morning lazy snuggles and kisses. Our weekend routine is not quite so rigid. On weekends we watch Lillian we have until 10:30 or so before we are on duty. Technically. Unless Lillian decides she’s done with her mommy. Or mommy said no about something that Mimi doesn’t care about. She is starting to figure out she needs to wait for mommy to leave before she gets the candy/gum/tv or whatever.

Ideas for how I want to paint the other sarong have been percolating. Oh Coffee! Yeah. Today I want a dark roast. I start a sarong in a bath of vibrant yellow. The sewing table continues to overwhelm me. But I do manage to get non-sewing related things removed. Which means I took all Sarah’s things upstairs and put them in her room. Sarah is getting ready for work and Lillian has figured out what this means. She follows mommy everywhere. If she gets out of her sight her world will be rocked. I completely understand.

I have been trying to eat good food instead of junk. What would really make me happy is strawberry cheesecake ice cream for breakfast. And Leslie DID say to only do those things that make me happy right? Ken is laughing at me. She also said to eat good things. Strawberry cheesecake ice cream IS good. So, your brain is coming alive, you are working the angles. Multi Grain toast, berries, and a slice of turkey it is.

We go walk. We hold hands and stroll around on our property. There are still bluebonnets in the lower pasture. We note the number of mesquite trees popping up. We will have to do something about those soon. We count deer. I note the turkey feeder is empty. Ding. That’s what he wanted me to pick up the other day. Ok, my brain isn’t total mush. Things are in there, I just have to figure out how to get them to come out.

Back up at the house and it is time for Sarah to leave. Lillian is devastated. Her little heart is broken and her life will never ever ever be the same again. She watches out the window in the dining room as her mommy’s van disappears around the S turn. Her crying stops and she marches over to the freezer and pats it. Mimi nom nom. We both have our bowl of ice cream and it is very good. Sarah texts and asks how long it took her to stop crying. Today was actually the longest it’s taken for her to settle down. I’d say about 10 seconds.

Lillian and I dance. Random songs on the radio. We sing twinkle twinkle little star. We ring around the rosie so many times we are dizzy. Then she wants to walk. She wants to hold my hand. She doesn’t want to hold my hand. She is going to eat this rock. Don’t eat rocks Lillian you will choke. She sneaks one in and starts to choke. I flip her upside down and hit her between the shoulder blades like Cindy Ann has taught us in CPR. The rock comes out. I put her down and she puts another rock in her mouth. I yell. Ken comes and walks with us.


I am still not myself. I have periods of ok, but I tire easily and snap quicker. I usually have infinite patience with Lillian. Now I am snappy and irritable. Ken puts us both down for a nap. Two hours later we are both in a better place. I’ve never been a napper. I just can not sleep during the day. This week it seems all I want to do is sleep. Nancy had explained that my body had been in fight or flight mode for so long that not only was my brain exhausted, so were the rest of my muscles. That rest was part of my recovery. Nap. Enjoy it. Don’t worry so much about these things. You are healing and healing takes good food, rest, a good support system, and time. Throw in some exercise too. 


Lillian and I try our walk again. This time when she picks up rocks, I distract her with throwing lessons. This kid has a wicked arm. The rest of this day is devoted to Lillian. Lillian goes with me to the feedstore. We get turkey scratch and diatomaceous earth for the garden. We read books, we go put corn in the deer feeder. Ken shows her how to bury her arms up to her shoulders in the bag. She thinks this is hilarious. I give it a whirl, and she is right. Life is simple and fun and needs exploring.

I never think about work, not even once. I don’t take even a ½ of a pill.

It’s still good when Sarah comes home. I am ready for sleep. Ken holds me until I am out. I wake up in the night and his leg is right next to mine. I rub his foot with my toes. I am blessed.