Chapter Four

I wake up and I am alone. I am completely disoriented in my aloneness. Ken’s side of the bed is cold, he has been gone for a while. I lay in bed wondering where he went. The sun is up. He must have gone to work? Why didn’t I hear the alarm? Who made his lunch? Now I am completely lost on how to start my day. My routine is disrupted. I start to cry and I go back to sleep. Ken calls around 9:00 and says good morning. You were sleeping so hard I just let you sleep. I think you needed it. I don’t tell him I don’t know what to do now, that I am lost. I just say ok. Ken asks me if I am going into town later. Can you pick some stuff up for me. Sure I tell him, I can do that. He wants to know if I am ok. I am ok. We hang up and I know I am not ok. For the first time I think I understand I have had some sort of a break down and the words mentally ill slip into my brain. I am ill. Mentally ill. Evidently I didn’t crack up so much that I am locked away. Just mentally ill enough that work is investigating me and my husband is whispering on the phone to my mother. No, don’t come. Her doctor says she needs to rest and concentrate on herself right now. I know, I know. I will let her know you love her. Ken has built a moat and is guarding my fortress. My safe place.

Jake whines in his cage. Oh good. I know how to feed the dogs. Today they get three milkbones. Boy looks at me like I am the saviour of the world. After he eats his bones he puts his soft snout against my leg and snorts. I rub his ears and he licks my hands.

Coffee. Yes. Ken has left it all ready, all I have to do is press the GO button. What is it Ken needs in town again? Crap. I just can’t pull it up. My brain is mush. I can’t get it to focus on anything. I can not remember. I am too embarrassed to call Ken and ask. I don’t want him to know how bad my brain is gone. I am ashamed. Ok, maybe if I drive into town I will remember. I get my purse and go to the car. My rearview mirror tells me my hair is sticking straight up all over my head, I have sleep in my eyes, I don’t have my glasses on, and I am still in my pajamas. I am mortified. What is wrong with me. I go back to bed.

NO! No. no. I will not be this crazy lady who buries herself under the covers. Shower. That is what I need. A shower. And clothing that matches. And maybe some food. I am not hungry, but I know I need to eat. I walk toward the kitchen, but I stop in the hallway. Should I shower first, or eat first. I don’t know. I sit down in the hallway and cry. Crap. Take it down to basics Tamara. Do one thing, concentrate on that one thing. Pick any one thing. I will shower. The hot water wakes me up and clears my thoughts a little. I still can not remember what Ken wants. Dry off. I concentrate on being dry. Eat. A piece of toast and some fruit. The toaster is not where I thought it belongs. Who would take a toaster? Bread is good enough. And some berries. Jeans and a shirt. I guess I need a bra, start over, jeans, bra, shirt, flip flops. Easier than socks and shoes.

Town is busy. There is traffic to concentrate on. I go to HEB and walk around. Nothing triggers. What did he want? Walmart? I go there. Nothing. I don’t know. He can’t know that I don’t remember. He will think I’m crazy. I see a friend down the aisle. I turn and run out of the store. I don’t want her to know I’m crazy. I am not me. I could not bear to see that pity in her eyes. I am ashamed. I sit in my car and breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. I give up and decide to go home. I drive by West End Pizza. Nothing sounds so good to me as a calzone. I can’t get the cheese and sauce out of my brain. So I circle the block and go in. Good, I don’t know this waitress, I could just be any old tourist. She doesn’t know I’m not me anymore. I order a Calzone and a lemonaid. My phone rings and it’s my mother. She, my Father, my cousin Kathy and her husband have been out driving around looking at wildflowers and just happened to end up in Fredericksburg. Can they come out. No, I am not there. She just wants to give me a hug and see that I am ok. I am ok I say. I am eating lunch and tell them where. We will be right there. I call Ken in a panic. They have breached the moat! Stormed my fortress! Do you have your pills with you? Can you take one? Yes, yes I do and I can. I do. I am ashamed. I have not seen my cousin Kathy in over ten years. I’ve never met her husband. And they will know I am mentally ill. I am crazy and I am ashamed. I want me back, but I am not here. This crazy person with a mush brain is here and she is not to be trusted in polite society. I want to run to my car and leave before they get here. But I am too late.

Here they are. All big smiles and hugs. How are you? I hate that question. I try to be an honest person, but right now it’s really not a good question to ask me. How are you? Fine. I am fine. I wonder if I take two pills will I be able to drive home. How can I take a pill without them knowing, they are all around me. We sit, the waitress brings my calzone. No, no they just ate, they just want to visit, well maybe a cup of coffee. So they all sit. My father sits next to me in the booth. I am trapped. Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. It is all I can do to not lay my head on my daddy’s shoulder and sob. Mom tries not to talk about work, but she can’t help it. It somehow keeps coming up and I start to not be able to breathe. Kathy and her husband suddenly get interested in all the artwork hanging around the restaurant and go look at them closer. My father changes the subject and my breathing gets back to normal. I can’t eat. The calzone is huge and I don’t know why I wanted it. It looks like a huge slab of dead food. I pick at the corner of it. The waitress takes my plate and brings it all back in a bag so I can take it home. In a blur I am outside, I am being hugged. I am in my car. I think I am driving too fast. Someone honks at me. I keep going and I am home. I curl up in bed and I sleep. Today it is ok to be that crazy person who can’t get out of bed. Today I will just sleep. I am ashamed.

Ken is home, shoring up our defenses. I tell him I slept all day. He says it’s ok. He does not mention that I didn’t get him whatever it was he wanted. He feeds me something and I go back to bed. I don’t want Ken to see me crying. I am ashamed.