Chapter Five

Today is Wednesday. I have things to do. I woke up with Ken. He has hidden my lunchbox. I make his sandwich and we drink our coffee. He is wearing his little white and black shorts that really serve no purpose other than he can say he is not naked. The shorts make me happy. I drag my feet getting his lunch ready and in the shower. The quicker he is ready the quicker he will be gone. There is a new bar of soap and it is lovely. French milled and the lather is thick and sweet smelling. I watch Ken shave and put on his deodorant. He smells like morning glories, colgate shaving cream, and Old Spice. I try to fill my nostrils with him so I can have him with me all day. But he has made me a list. I have a list of things to do and I am relieved.

I am sitting on the bed watching him get dressed when he hands me my list. Here, don’t feel like you need to cross everything off. Just some suggestions.

Laundry
Dishes
Feed the dogs
Water the tomatoes
Eat good food
Leslie appointment

Ken has already sorted all the clothes. I’m grateful as that would have been too many decisions. Baby steps.

I have an appointment with Leslie. I have not done my homework. I was to do something creative. Crap.

Ken leaves. I stand at the window again and watch his truck go around the S turn. I am not mad he is leaving. Just lonely. I start a load of laundry and go feed the dogs. I catch myself laughing that I’m multi-tasking. Good for me. Today the dogs get four milkbones. Boy is more interested in snuggling my knees than in eating his milkbones. They are both getting too fat and their milkbone days are numbered. I have decided that even if I can’t go to Burning Man, Ken needs to go. We have too many people relying on us and he is so much at home there. Now I have to figure out a way to make that happen. I walk up and down our road. Fast walk, get my heart pumping. Feels really really good.

Sarah and Lillian are awake when I return from my walk. Dance and sing with Lillian. Shake shake shake your sillies out, shake shake shake your sillies out, wiggle your woggles away. I realize I am happy. Here in my fortress, even with Ken at work. I am at peace and my brain is not replaying my last day at work over and over. I am safe. I eat a bowl of berries. I am blessed.

Leslie calls and needs to be ten minutes late. I am already on my way so I treat myself to a caramel frappe. I have this thing with punctuality and I am glad she called to tell me of the delay. I am one of those people who gets to work 15 or 20 minutes early. I can make my coffee, chit chat with Dirk and the other early birds, and be at my desk working at 7:00. I also work right up to 5:30 or later if needed to complete a task or a call. Then I log out of the phones, reboot the computer. The ones who fly in at 7 then go get coffee and then log out five or ten minutes before they are to leave and sit with their purses in their laps really annoy me. To me it’s like cheating the time clock.

Leslie and I discuss stress and its effect on the brain. Serotonin, other brain chemicals. Over abundance vs. depletion. My medications are replacing my depleted chemicals. Giving my brain and chemical producing machines a break. We try to determine when my stress started. Our mutual thought is, way back when I was no longer a trainer. But I have a lot of coping skills that got me through. I could survive the day. But my chemical producing machine was having to work harder than normal. And it had to work hard for a very long time. And then it couldn’t keep up anymore and I ended up in the fetal position on the floor. Lesley suggests I read about long term stress and its effect on a body. She mentions a compromised immune system, pain, heart problems, mental problems including anxiety, problems with digestion. Check, check, and check. Leslie notes I am talking about work without stuttering, but my breathing is still a little shaky. I still have to count my inhales and exhales or I breathe too fast, or I don’t breathe at all. Progress. Baby steps. Do only things I enjoy. Do only things that nurture me. When I start worrying redirect my thoughts to things that make me happy. She will see me Monday at noon. Oh, and do something creative. Get your brain working in a different way. You are only seeing black and white. You need to open your brain up to possibilities. Being creative on anything will kickstart creative thinking on other issues too. Have you ever thought of journaling?

So I go home and read. I start trying to write down my thoughts and what is happening to me. Google is my friend.
http://www.ehow.com/about_5075242_signs-symptoms-longterm-stress.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/SR00001

This is serious. Being mentally ill is not my only concern. This could kill me. I need to pay attention.

I go for another walk. Exercise doesn’t exactly make me happy, but it does motivate me to do something happy. After my walk I start fixing my serger so I can start sewing again. I go through my t-shirt stash to see what I have to create with. Start simple. I make a necklace. I look at my dye books and see what I have that I can play with. The dye and painting silk is bittersweet as it reminds me I am probably not going to Burning Man, but watching how the fabric reacts to the technique fascinates me and is worth the risk. I take some time to read some posts on Eplaya and laugh at the antics of some of these crazy internet friends. I am laughing freely again. And it feels so good. It is safe to laugh at internet friends while I am in my fortress.

About two months ago a friend at work mentioned that he missed my laugh and my smile. I have a big, booming laugh that carries. I smile easily and am usually warm and friendly. He mentions that he hasn’t seen me smile in a long time. I asked him to please not tell me that kind of thing at work. That it is not a safe thing to point out that I am not my usual self. Any kind of comment like that seems to be taken as I have a bad attitude and puts my job in jeopardy.

From all my reading and research I realize this little brain snap has been cooking for a long time. This has been building and I have been mentally ill due to long term stress for longer than I want to think about. I have no control over the stressors in my life. At this point I don’t even have control over how I respond to those stressors, I can’t breathe, I stutter, I cry, I am afraid. All I can do is try and learn how to counter my fight or flight response with things that won’t kill me. I would prefer to not take medication for the rest of my life. I need to learn how to deal.

I need to somehow expand my fortress. Today, being able to take a walk by myself is enough.