Chapter Nine

We remembered to turn off the alarm. I wake up to kisses and coffee. We have no plans for the day. At least until noon, when Sarah goes to work and Lillian is ours. I am following all of the advice that Leslie gave me. I am eating good food. I am only doing those things that make me happy. I am creating something. I will rest. Simple things. Easy enough to do here in my fortress.
I think I am doing well. I mention this to Ken. He agrees. I am making progress.

I have been researching my illness. Long term stress rewires your brain. You stop acting and reacting like yourself. You become more susceptible to anxiety and depression. You can undergo a complete personality change. Socially outgoing people become withdrawn. Optimists become pessimists. You are altered chemically. Your body has been on alert for so long it just needs to shut down for a while. Looking back over the last five years of my life I can see the decline. I actually have some stress busting skills. I have a fabulous support system. I am blessed beyond anything I ever could have imagined in my life. At work I think I just hung on and hung on and hung on. So many people kept promising things were changing. Opportunities are opening up. We will get you out of the cubicle. Hang on Tamara. You are a star. Hang in there, changes are coming and there will be opportunities. All the shuffling around and all the reorganizations and all the splitting of departments and new CEO’s and boards. It’s still the same people behaving the same ways. The more we change, the more we stay the same. We still have no voice.

Pay attention Tamara. This could kill you. I have no control over my stressors. I can only learn how to control my responses. Or at least temper them.

I take three hours working on a sarong. My technique fails spectacularly. And I’m fine with that. I wish I could find cheaper silk to experiment on, but it is what it is. I know where I went wrong. I will try again tomorrow.

Lillian spends her afternoon teaching me how to play again. We play with building blocks, we sing and we dance. She gives me butterfly kisses. We go for a walk and throw rocks. We sit on the tractor and play with all the levers. We color. Ken goes outside to mow and leaves me in charge of Lillian. I must be better.

When Sarah gets home I go work in the garden. Spread the diatomaceous earth around, water. I sprinkle some of the diatomaceous around the house too. Ken and I go for a walk. Holding hands and laughing together.

I have not taken a panic pill all day. I’ve not left my fortress. I have not thought about work all day.