Full Time

Ken spends a long time washing my feet today. He knows it's my favorite part of our shower and he really spends some time massaging and scrubbing them. We both look like prunes when we finally get out of the shower. This will be my first 10 hour day at work since the big collapse and we are both a little nervous.

He gives me the last peach, but he also gives me $20 to pick up some more from Gold's Orchards on my way home. The peaches are seem extra sweet this year. I don't know if its because the last few years have been such a bust, but this year every bite I take of one is followed by yums and ums.

Ken makes sure I have all of what he calls my survival gear with me. Lunch, cell phone, Chromebook (I refer to it as a googlebook), knitting bag, panic pills, and my book. He's waving as I go around the S-turn.

The morning starts off well. Goofing around with the guys in the SCADA department before 7. Getting coffee, watching some of the news. A fine group of gentlemen and ladies to greet a work day with.

A few calls and the day settles down into it's tedium. I look around at the walls of my cubicle and stand up and start doing toe touches and some stretches. There are computers all over the workbench that no one has labeled. I don't know if they are coming in or going out. I stand there looking at them and get pissed. I just don't feel like being the department maid today. Clean up after yourselves dang it. I have six kids, I don't want you.

They upgraded Helpstar over the weekend. This version is very different than what we had. I can't find anything and of course there was no training provided. We can figure it out. So I spend a good amount of time clicking around looking for queues and search functionalities. I get a couple call from other departments that use the program asking where something is and I just laugh. As soon as I find it I will let you know. Seriously this has to stop.

Then a well meaning co-worker calls to tell me that the Trainer position I'd been waiting for was open. The job was listed in the employee portal along with six supervisor positions. I sit there hoping she misread it. I make a point of not looking, I know it will hurt. Then another well meaning call, so I go look. Yep. There it is. Along with six other opportunities I would love to take advantage of, but I can't. I'm on probation for a year and am not allowed to apply. Plus, who am I kidding. No manager at the place will touch me now that I've had the big breakdown. Damaged goods with attitude.

So yes, I spent a bit of time having a pity party. Even teared up. Frank comes over and asks if I'm ok, I nod, explain, then reach for a panic pill. Just a 1/2 of one. Even before I take the pill I feel my brain just shut down. I am functioning but I am not feeling. If I feel I will cry. I'm not going to let these bastards make me cry again. I will copy/paste and reset passwords until I have certain goals met then I don't have to be here anymore.

Actions speak louder than words. I have heard a lot of words from this company, but their actions tell me exactly what they think of me and how much I am valued. You upgrade the program that I do 95% of my work from and you can't bother to provide any training. Loud and clear. I get it.

I stop at Gold Orchards on the way home and old man Gold is out in front with one flat of peaches left. I tell him I don't need that many. What if I sell this whole flat to you for $4? I'd be a fool to say no. Those peaches will freeze up just fine. Here, for a wink and a smile I'll let you have my last tomato. I give him a hug too. Thank you Mr. Gold, I needed that reminder. Life is good and sweet.


I'm home, I'm surrounded by people who love me and treat me even better than their words promise. I am blessed.