Monday, June 25, 2012

Trudge, drudge, or skip and dance?

Snappy title no?

I've not had much to report. Life continues and I'm adjusting. Work remains one long trudge fest. I do so much better when I'm working a deadline or a crisis. These long days of nothingness are just not good for my brain. I start rehashing things. If I had said this, or if that person had stepped forward with truth, or if this person would listen. What if I went to that person? Would it make a difference?

I was going over all that with Ken when I got home and he bluntly said, Tamara, it's too late for anything there. It's just how long you can take it so we can get things paid down and you can quit. I will step in and quit for you if I see you sliding down that path again. It's not worth it. I'd rather have you than money.

He's right. Even if they remove the write up and I get any amount of my leave back, I'm still that crazy lady that fetal positioned at work. No manager there will touch me, even if I could apply for another position.

I'm concerned about my brain. I was knitting a simple little baby blanket. It has some pattern to it. Knit one side, then side two knit 8 (purl 8 knit 4)x8 then knit 8.  Do that for 12 rows then knit 8 rows. Repeat 17 times or so. For those that understand knitting patterns not hard right? For those that don't, trust me, it's not all that complicated. The first three sets I knit at home are spot on perfect. Then I took it to work and it's like my brain just turned off. I can't count to eight. On some rows it's completely backwards, I knit 8 and purled 4. Ok, I'm a newbie knitter and should cut myself some slack, except that even though I was looking at the work, I thought I was on track. It wasn't until I got home, ate supper and picked it up again did I see how off it was. All the knitting I did at work was a complete mess. All the knitting I'd done at home was perfect. So even with all this self awareness and even with medicinal assistance my brain gets a bit freaked out at work. Anyway, that shook me up. I put down that blanket and haven't picked it up again. I'm going to have to rip out three sections and right now it's a good reminder for me to not get too cocky and keep going with my recovery. Some complacency was creeping in.

Eat good food. Play every day. Create something. Meditate. Seek out those people in my life who are positive. Love with all my strength. Open myself to being loved back. Be kind.

When my mind starts spiraling on the what if's I need to pull it to what is real. Showers with Ken. Reading books with Lillian. Nude gardening (sorry kids, I'll pay for your first three therapy sessions. On second thought, screw it. Get over yourselves). Ok, I'm new to nude gardening. And I'm not completely nude. We'll call it nude-ish. Eating local peaches. Ken in his little white shorts.

It's my call. Trudge through the drudgery. Or live my life as happily as I want. One day, the happy part will come easy again. Like it was before I lost myself. I see glimmers of me coming back and have so much hope.

I do have a request. Send me some stories of things that inspire you. Ways that you fight your stress demons. What kindles the fire in your soul? I'd love to hear about you.


2 comments:

  1. I want to be you when I grow up. Hang in there, be kind to yourself. You're still a beginning knitter and it's completely normal to miss mistakes or think you're doing it right for rows and only notice the mistakes later. Totally normal. Happens all the time to even the most expert knitters. Just ask the Yarn Harlot.

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  2. For starters, YOU, inspire me!
    Four years ago, I was the one who lost themselves. Over time I buried it. But, not really fixing it. I didn't know how. Now, because of you, I am starting over again where I left off.
    I read your blog. I see where I stumbled and fell, and stayed down, where as, you, keep on trucking on. Oh, I still have the worry voices in my head. But, as I said before, DILLIGAF.
    I'm starting to brush it off...... I am not here to please them.
    I was never a selfish person. Now, I am, just a little, just for me. I have inherited a small mean streak. But, it's out of defense for me.
    When it's me time, I drive farther up our mountain and reflect down on my little house on the prairie. I share it with all the family I have left. And they need me. I have to keep it together for all of us. But, sometimes, an hour every other day is mine.
    I work out on my weight machine. And I beat the tar out of my punching bag. I listen to my music in my ear buds at work and at play. Different music for different moods. I also bounce at a bar. Yup, pound on people and get paid. Lol.
    I also got back into my long lost photography. I set it down one day and forgot where I left it. Thanks to a crazy kid friend, he found it for me. Now, I see the seasons differently. As well as other things I've looked at everyday. (Oooo, in a different angle, that barn would be awesome, or look at that spider web)
    Then, there's Burning Man.........I try not to dwell on the why I didn't go sooner. I'm just glad I made it home finally.
    Everything happens for a reason, they say. But, the secret is, I just found out, that there is no meaning to the reason.
    So, f&*^ it!

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