Chapter Twelve

I stayed up writing last night so Ken doesn’t wake me when he gets up. I miss our morning rituals. Without him and our routine I feel disjointed from the day. I don’t shower, coffee you make for yourself isn’t as tasty as coffee that is handed to you by a green eyed guy with a smile and short shorts on. I don’t know how to get started. I stare at my sewing mess again. I take my pills, eat some cereal. I retreat back to bed.

The ringing phone gets me out of bed. Case manager Mary starts off with a chirpy Good Morning! How are you today? I really hate that question. Disjointed and crabby. Mary thinks this is hilarious. So, I will be coordinating your care while you are on short term disability. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about how we got here. I’m losing track of how many times I’ve had to tell complete strangers these hurtful things. I am calm and clear until I talk of work. My breathing becomes choppy, I am stuttering again, my hives itch. Mary asks if this only happens when I talk about work? Are you stressed about any other issues in your life? Describe your support system. Any recent trauma or depression? I am answering Mary as clearly and honestly as I can. Well clearly this was brought on by work related issues and as such should be handled by Workers Compensation. I will be denying your claim for short term disability. You will receive a letter and we will notify your employer. Take care of yourself, keep seeking help. Get better, good luck.

I sit numb. I don’t know what any of this means or what to do next. I call Ken. Should I come home? Are you ok? Maybe you should call your HR department. Do you want to wait to call until I get there? No, no. I need to be able to take care of myself. I will call. I sit and stare at the phone for a long time. Panic pill! Of course, I can take one of those. I give the pill some time to get working and I call Ann. I tell her what Mary had said. I will look into all of this Tamara, I will take care of it.

Ann mentions lost time and I realize if this is lost time and workers comp., this will affect the Key Performance Indicators and my illness will negatively affect the end of year KPI performance bonus’ for all my co-workers. Now, not only do they all think I’m crazy, I’m costing them money. That thought sends me to bed for the rest of the day.

Lillian will be going to her Dad’s for the night. Sarah will be out with friends. Ken is at work. I sleep and hide from the world.

Ken makes me get up when he gets home. Feeds me supper. We go for a walk. I try and watch some TV, my brain can’t keep up. I go to bed.