Chapter Fourteen

The sun is coming in the windows. The birds are chirping. Jake the dog is looking in the window at me willing me out of bed and to the Milkbone box. Ken has let me sleep again. I wonder what is the determining factor. Are there mornings he just doesn’t want to deal with me? Do I wake up and tell him to go to hell? Or do I simply just not wake up when he strokes my face. I’ll have to ask. I roll over and there is Lillian in my doorway. Mimi! Up! She runs to the bed and I scoop her up into bed and under the covers with me. She blows raspberries on my cheeks, we rub noses, she gives me sloppy toddler kisses. I am drowning in baby goo. We hear her mommy coming down the hall and we pull the covers over our heads. Lillian is so excited her little blue eyes are glowing and she is wiggling. Where’s Lillian? Hey! Has anyone seen Lillian and Mimi? She just can’t take it anymore and pulls the covers down and yells BOO! Then back under the covers we go. Lillian is just as happy and excited the tenth time we pull the covers down as she was the first. What a joyous way to start a day. Sarah starts a cup of coffee for me. Lillian has been checking on you for the last thirty minutes. She heard you roll over and went running down the hall. Lillian and I read. There was one little baby who was born far away, and another who was born on the very next day. We count ten fingers and ten toes. We say bye-bye and they are off.

I start reading more about stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. The more I read the angrier I become. I am filled with a rage that scares me. So I walk, and then I walk some more. Once I am physically exhausted I am left with sad. Just an overwhelming and debilitating sad.

My caseworker for Workers Compensation calls. She has paperwork to send me. She too needs a statement, this will be recorded. And again I am telling my story to another stranger. I make it all the way through without having to stop.

You can expect the paperwork soon, please sign and return right away so we can investigate your claim. One paper authorizes your doctor to send us your medical records and notes from your therapy. Once we make a determination we will notify you and your employer of our decision. Thank you. Have a nice day. At least she didn’t ask me how I was.

I am left with a crippling sadness. I plod through the day. Pulling everything down to basics. Eat, drink, potty, attempt something creative, nap. The day passes in a blur. When Ken asks how my day was I respond with an honest I don’t know. I am so sad. He pulls me into a hug and rocks me like i’m a baby.

Saturday passes in a blur of sadness. I help Ken with some chores. Hold this, here don’t let this slip while I attach that. What do you think? Should be use this rope or that strap. What? Ok, we will use the strap. Can you find the big wrench? OK, how about getting us a glass of water. When it is our turn to have Lillian she is impatient with me. I am not picking up her queues. Ken puts us down for another nap. Things are slightly better when we wake up and the three of us play until Sarah gets off work at 6 and I go to bed.

Sunday Lillian and Sarah are off visiting friends and Ken and I do nothing constructive. We take lazy walks, we nap, we skim through the recorded race. Stupid Kyle Busch. I admire his skill, but what a brat. I am a reluctant fan. I think about having to go back to work and for once I don’t panic. The thought just makes me sadder.

I tell Ken that no matter what I say, no matter what happens, no matter how late I go to bed, no matter how much I toss and turn, he MUST wake me up in the mornings when he gets up. Our routine and that time spent with him is precious and important to me. I promise, I will wake you up.