Part Two

I wish I could tell you that was just wonderful.

I am home, I am safe. I made it the whole four hours. I only cried three times.

I got there 15 minutes early as planned and took 1/2 a pill, went into Ann's office in HR at 8:00. She let me know my boss decided to not take the day off so she was there. First set of tears. Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. It's just a feeling, it can't really kill me, take my mind to this morning's shower, I can still smell the soap on my skin, I can play with my scarf in my hand. Calm, calm. we discuss open enrollment, changes in coverage etc. We review some changes in policies that were announced while I was out. I ask specifically about an appeals process. No, we still don't have one of those. I ask about an employee advocacy policy, no we still don't have one of those. Do you think we ever will? She will bring it up at the next policy committee meeting. She is going to call my boss to come over, I take another 1/2 a pill. Boss bounces in the room with her fake cheerleader happy voice and tries to pat me on the back. I involuntarily cringe away from her. That makes me start itching. Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. Send my brain back to the shower, calm, calm. The itching stops. So glad to have you back, we are busy busy. Need you need you. Nothings really changed, same projects, sap moving along. Busy busy busy. We walk to my desk together.

I ask my co-workers how it's going. Is it nice to be busy? They laugh. Nothings changed. I catch up on a months worth of emails in 30 minutes. One even says welcome back to hell. Take two phone calls, enter two helpstars. And wait out the four hours. Really, nothings changed. This is my second cry of the day.

My written reprimand stands. Even though I still have not been told what I need to correct. HR suggests I just get that behind me and move on. Time will pass, changes are coming. It will get better. Once time has passed all these opportunities are opening up. I told her I'd heard that for the last five years. Nothing has changed. I will get no raise, I am not eligible for promotion, I am not allowed to apply for a transfer, I can be immediately fired if my boss perceives that I am not correcting whatever it is she thinks I did unprofessionally that she still has not provided me details about.

My friend has been moved across the street and is no longer two cubicles down and one over from me. Third cry of the day.

Really, they weren't full on cries. Just tear ups. I got them under control pretty quickly.

I read an email from our CEO that Somerset group was there while I was out taking employee input on how things are and what we would like to see change. Is it possible for me to still contribute? Well, the due date for input has passed. I email the CEO asking if it is too late for me be have any input with Somerset, that I had been out on medical leave and had not been informed of the opportunity.

It is going to be very important for me to take really good care of myself until I get this debt paid down. It is going to be really important that I keep eating good food, keep creating, keep playing. Keep reaching out to those who love me and make me feel better about myself.

But for this afternoon, I am pulling the covers over my head. I am holed up in my fortress, I am safe. I am loved. And I am going to take a nap.