Chapter Eighteen

Ken smells like honeysuckle, colgate shaving cream, toothpaste, and Old Spice. Yummy. Money worries and crazy wife issues aside, I think he is rather enjoying me being home. We have more time in the mornings, I’m here when he gets home and can help him bounce ideas around. Or rather I sit and nod and say hmmmm, ok, that’s interesting, yes, hmmmmmm. I’m not any good at construction, angles, or mechanics, but he keeps asking. If I just smile and nod or the occasional hmmmm, he figures out what he wants to do. And he thinks I’m a genius so win-win. He got rather teary eyed over how excited I was about how the pink/purple/black sarong turned out. And it looks simply fabulous on him. God love him, he’s so sweet and good.

Our daughter is graduating from college this weekend. Thank goodness she is a low key kind of girl. We are having a little cake and ice cream reception in Waco after the ceremony. Our oldest daughter is on her way here today, should be here momentarily. My fortress is expanding. I don’t want to say invaded, that sounds like I don’t want this to happen. That’s not true. This will simply be more people than i’ve dealt with in a couple weeks and I am nervous. Not scared, just nervous. I’ve decided we will drive through Jacksonville. It’s something I need to do. And perhaps on the way home Saturday, we can stop and walk around. I think the longer I go without doing it, the bigger it becomes in my head. Just do it. Ken will be there, we can hold hands and walk around. I have panic pills and a fast car. Ken can haul ass if necessary. Or, we can simply walk and it might just be ok.

I don’t know how anyone expects someone with mental issues to navigate Workers Compensation. Forms to fill out, case workers, case managers, forms for work, forms for the insurance company, forms for the doctor, can’t use my pharmacy as it’s not on the list. Neither is Leslie. She is not on the list of approved providers for Workers Compensation. She is filling out all the paperwork she needs to fill out to get approved. I’m thankful she is trying. She has been such a gift and brought me so far along so quickly. I don’t want to lose her.

So much uncertainty, but the amazing thing is I am dealing. That tells me that I am also healing. Basics. Breathe in, breathe out. Exercise. Eat good things. Do only those things that make you happy. Create something. And I am going to add play. Really, play. I am learning a lot from Lillian.

I’ve made a point of not watching TV. It seems once that stupid thing goes on all conversation and/or creativity stops. Ok, I have turned it on a couple times to NickJr when I’ve needed to do something when I’m in charge of Lillian. Usually that will give me five minutes to potty or drain the pasta or whatever. Five minutes. That’s all she will allow of TV time.

Lillian knows what is important. Read books, snuggle, go for walks, play, eat strawberries. I don’t know where she gets it, but she wants her toys picked up when she’s done. All the legos HAVE to go in this container, all the babies need to be in the babydoll crib, maybe one can sit in the highchair. The firetruck belongs next to the crib. Her area is organized and she knows where things are when she wants them. She certainly didn’t pick that up from her mommy, daddy, mimi or grumpy. Last night before she went to bed she lined up all her dolls and stuffed animals in a line on the floor and pat their little tummies and said Night Night to each one of them. So sweet.

Today I received two gifts in the mail. A lovely note with a bracelet and three bars of soap. We can’t wait to try those out. And a Learn to Knit kit with two books. I read through the instructions. At the bottom of the instruction book is a little note *Write to Lion Brand “Learn to Knit Special” for a free pattern for your next project.* I’m glad someone out there is optimistic. I will borrow your enthusiasm for today. This should be entertaining as I’m not the most coordinated person on a good day, but I am excited about trying.

My affirmations for today are I am a smart, capable, beautiful, perfect child of God. Breathe in two three four, while breathing out think, I am a smart, capable, beautiful, perfect child of God. Repeat, and Repeat again. As many times as it takes to not feel nauseous.

I am healing. Starting today I am venturing out into the world.