Chapter Twenty-Two

I have spent a good amount of time this week identifying feelings associated with my work timeline. This has been an intense week for me emotionally, but essential. I have had some incredible highs in my personal life and these have helped to carry me through. Katelyn's graduation, Jett's birth, Christine's lovely visit. I've spent time looking for and paying attention to the little things that make my life so wonderful. Showers with Ken, the smell of Lillian's hair, the feel of Ken's hands on mine when he hands me my morning coffee, a new blue flower I've never seen before in the pasture. These small moments too have carried me. I delight in my life. I am so blessed to have these gifts.

This week I have to start preparing for a return to my office. Sunday on the way home from East Texas, Ken and I stopped at my office complex. I sat in the car and focused my brain on Ken and on breathing. Do you think you can get out of the car, or is this enough for today? I can get out. 

Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. Again I send my brain to burning man. This time we are riding our bikes out to the deep playa. The dust is blowing and I have my scarf wrapped around my face. I feel like the Queen of Sheba. 

Ken holds my hand and we walk around the main building. I keep my eyes straight ahead and just walk and breathe. Ken doesn't try to have a conversation, just gently holds my hand. We circle the building and arrive back at the car. I think we need to keep walking straight, walk past the building I work in, then across the street and by the annex. Ok, whenever you are ready honey, I am so proud of you. I think how ridiculous it is that Ken has to be proud of me for walking around some buildings. As we walk past my building I realize I am gripping Ken's hand so tightly my hand is numb. I can't seem to relax my grip and I feel dizzy.

Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. We are past it, and cross the street. The dizziness is gone, I can look around. We walk back to the car and get in. Ken keeps his hand on my leg as we drive away. I think I might get sick, but I keep breathing and send my brain back to holding Jett and the smell of his sweet baby body. We make it to the rest area 1/2 way home and I make Ken stop and I run into the bathroom. Are you ok? Can I get you a cold towel? No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I must have eaten something bad. Do you want me to get your husband? I think he's outside, there is a man out there looking worried. No, thank you. I'm fine. I think it's all out now. 

Thank God for Juicy Fruit. 

The next step is I have to drive myself to Jacksonville, and I need to call a few friends and see about maybe meeting for lunch. Ken is worried about me driving there. Maybe we can just take a drive one evening together with me behind the wheel and see how that goes first. Baby steps, but my return to work date is quickly approaching and I do still have a mortgage. Worker's Compensation has denied my claim and now I have to decide how to proceed. I can appeal the Workers Comp decision and I can appeal the short term disability decision. I have made the appropriate phone calls and am waiting for call backs. I take it as a sign of progress that the Workers Comp denial hasn't sent me into a tailspin. It seems I am beginning to regain my ability to deal. That's good, I will need that skill. 

For now, I am the proud parent of a Baylor alumni. I have a new grandson, Jett who is perfect. I get to snuggle with Ken every night and shower with him every morning. And I am learning how to knit. I am blessed.