Chapter Thirteen

Thursday morning and Ken gets me up. Thank god. Again our routine seems to ground me and organize my brain. Do you want me to stay home today? Are you sure? I have the leave time and we are slow at work.

I just want to be alone and be left alone. I want to curl up in my fortress and sleep. Ken goes to work and I don’t watch out the window. I have pulled into myself and am ready to wallow in self pity and fear.

I make it about an hour and then am disgusted with myself. I go for a walk. I walk hard and fast. My anger boils up and over. I scream and yell. I throw rocks. Jake runs far ahead of me with his tail between his legs. Boy keeps nudging the back of my leg. I yell at him to leave me alone, but he leans against my leg. I bury my head in his shoulder and sob. He licks my hands. I don’t know how long I sit there in the road but Boy stays with me, standing guard. He really really needs a bath. My face is covered in tears, snot, and dog hair. I go back to the house and shower, but my soul feels better. The dogs get handfuls of milkbones.

I clean out the refrigerator. I’ve bought all this food with good intentions. Most of it has rotted. The raccoons will have a feast tonight.

Ann calls. Here is what we will do. We will file with Workers Compensation. They will make a determination. If Workers Comp turns us down, then we can appeal the short term disability. To get Workers Comp started I will need to transfer you to Sharon and she will help you process some paperwork. I mention affecting the bonus. Don’t worry about that Tamara, your job is to get better. That is all you need to concentrate on. Ann transfers me to Sharon. I have worked with Sharon for many, many years. I hear nothing but care and concern in her voice. I’m grateful. Forms are emailed, yes, I have received them. Yes I will fill them out, sign, and return.

And here I am again writing about my last day at work. I just can’t do it. I think this time I will wait for Ken to get home. I just can’t do this again.

I start cutting up t-shirt scraps to make a boa. The repetition of movement calms me. Sorting colors, testing shapes, tying scraps. All of it helps to focus and center my thoughts. Leslie might be onto something with this creativity idea. I need to find some red t-shirts so I can make a red boa to go with my red tutu. I’m not giving up this burning man trip easily.

Ken is home from work and reminds me it’s our day to pick up Lillian from day care. I have to leave the house. Lillian is in the gym kicking a ball around when she sees me. She runs all the way away across the gym with her funny little wiggle run, arms pumping like she sees her daddy do when he runs. I get down on my knees and she throws herself into my body.

I’m so glad I left the fortress for this.