Chapter Nineteen

Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. I am a capable, smart, beautiful, perfect, child of God and life is pretty durned weird around here right now. My beautiful, energetic, bossy, sweet, active daughter Christine is here for a visit. Stress on the active. She is spending a couple of days with us and then going up to Waco to see her sister graduate. I love her to pieces but it is different to have another body here in my fortress. She brings a whole new energy to the mix and it threw me off for a bit that first day. My brain couldn’t keep up with her and with what I was to be doing. At the checkout line at HEB the sweating started and I noticed my breathing was getting rapid. And wouldn’t you know it, left the panic pills at home. I had not needed them and I guess got a bit cocky.

Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four, send my brain to Burning Man, I’m standing on the art car platform, Ken’s arms are around me. Ma’am you need to enter your pin number. Oh yes, yes I have it, there. The wind is in my face, the temple is in front of me. Ok, do you need some help out with this? No, no we have it, thank you. Ken is pointing out into the deep playa, telling Doc where we had been the night before. Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four, get to the car, get to the car.  Christine asks are you alright? Fine, I’m fine. No you aren’t. You need to take a minute. Just sit here and take a minute. No, really I’m fine I just want to go home. No. Sit, take a minute. That’s why you are like you are, you don’t take a minute. Just sit and breathe.

Home and Ken is here. I am safe. We are going to indulge for supper tonight. Bacon wrapped jalapenos, pork tenderloin and Christine is making her famous salsa. That counts as a vegetable right? We take a unanimous vote yes, yes it does. It most definitely counts.

Christine and Ken come up with a list of chores for us to do on Thursday. A list of things to buy for the reception, show Christine how to dye a scarf, deconstruct a t-shirt for Christine, get something for supper, and go to the nursery and see if there are any new varieties of heirloom tomatoes in yet. Christine also wants to stop in at the mexican pottery place and look around, and we are having lunch with Tyler and his lovely wife Lesley. I’m a little worried. Ok, i’m more than a little worried. What was it Leslie said? Break it down into pieces, do one thing. Concentrate on that one thing. Right now, I’m just going to bed.

I am safe, I am in my fortress. Ken is here and he is laughing with Christine in the living room. I realize I needed her to come. I needed her to shake up my fortress. I was getting too comfortable here in my isolation. I need to push a little harder on letting the world back in. It’s time to fill in the moat.