Ken is true to his promise and I am up. Lunch making is a silent affair this morning. Both of us are reluctant to acknowledge the weekend is up and he is back to work. I can’t seem to shake this sadness that has engulfed me. Friends have left voicemails, but I’ve not returned calls. I probably need to work on this isolation thing I have going on, but don’t really feel up to chit chat. Ken leaves and I watch out a different window so he won’t see me and feel bad.
I go back to bed and I actually do sleep for a while. Even after two cups of coffee. Very much out of the norm for me.
Sarah is up and moving around upstairs getting ready for work. She lets Lillian sleep while she gets dressed. When she finally wakes her up LillyBug is just not ready to greet the day. She stops nursing occasionally to remind her mother that this getting up business was not her idea. Sarah is so sweet and patient and just carries on with getting Bug ready for day care. None of my Mimi tricks are convincing her this morning. I just get the finger point, scowl, and Tops Mimis. Ok, I will stop. She leaves still fussing and I say a little prayer for her teacher.
I have no energy. I feel like my brain and my body are trying to move through molasses. Leslie calls to verify we are meeting at 1:00. Excellent.
I remember another thing Ken wants. A shoe horn. Excellent. I will go to our local five and dime, Dooleys. They have everything. Two goals down, I am out and I remembered something Ken needed. Walking into Dooleys is like stepping back in time. They have everything. Fabric, notions, yarn, shoe horns, pots and pans, art supplies, tools, toys, penny candy. You name it. A real mom and pop five and dime store. And the smell of the place is wonderful. Back when I sent the kids care packages to their dorms they could open the box and smell Dooleys and be home again. A lot of our kids saturday allowance was spent here. All four of the older grandkids know a Dooleys trip is on the agenda when they visit Mimi and Grumpy. We can spend hours there with them trying to find the very best things you can buy for five bucks. Ten if Grumpy is in a good enough mood. Another piece of my soul is found and nurtured.
Leslie is all business. We talk about my sadness. I am grieving and sad is a part of grief. The best thing to do is just be sad and get through it. And you will get through it. She suggests a timeline. Start with my hire date end with April 11, the big event date. Then start detailing when positive and/or negative things happened. Positive on top of the line, negatives on the bottom. She wants me to start remembering the positives. I think that’s part of the problem. I remember loving my job quite clearly. The days when even if I had won the lottery I would have worked there. Back when it was a family. From what it was to what it has become is where my grief lies. Exactly Tamara, when did that grief start, acknowledge it, and let it go. So you can go on and either accept how it is now, or get to where you can make decisions about moving on.
In my brain I know there is no moving on until there is some debt reduction. We are building our reserve, we have verified amounts in 401K accounts, how much it would cost us to have to draw on those funds early. We have a “fire sale” plan. All extreme fixes, but really, unless something changes, my work environment is too hostile a place for me to survive. I don’t hold out any hope that changes will happen there, so the changes will have to be in me. I have to learn how to not care about them or it so much. To me that is heartbreaking. I am sad, I am grieving.
More homework. I am to come up with some affirmations about myself and repeat them as part of my meditation. Picture in my head how I want things to be. Visualize what a safe working environment is for me. Visualize where I want to be in a year, two years.
And my hour is up. Same time next week? You have my cell phone. Call if you need to, really it’s ok. Eat good food, do something creative, be sad. It’s ok to be sad. Move with it and through it.
I am a slug the rest of the day. I just can not get going. Lillian will be spending the night at her Dad’s house, Sarah is up at the computer lab at school working on a paper and studying for finals. Ken is working on our old travel trailer, shoring it up for a trip to our mechanic friend’s house. Occasionally I have to go outside to verify blinkers work etc. Other than that, I am no help to him today. I start working on my timeline, but it overwhelms me and I go to bed.
According to Leslie this is healing and a sign that I am getting better. It sucks and I don’t like it, but I won’t hide from it. Let it flow over and around me. Wallow in the damned sadness and then move on. Hopefully soon.
I am in my fortress. My family loves me. I same safe, but I am sad.
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