I just drove to work and back. Ken went with me. I got a little teary eyed about StoodieVille, but self talked my way through it. As I was turning right towards the buildings there was good old Frank and his big grin waving at me as he was trying to turn left to leave. Thank you God for that little boost. It was good to see his smile again. If it wouldn't be sexual harassment I'd say something about wishing I could have seen the wranglers too, but I can't say that.
The other day Leslie noticed that I rub my shoulder when I talk about work. I tell her there is a dull ache in it that I'm trying to rub out. But Tamara, the only time you rub it, is when you talk about work. Pay attention to that this week and see if it aches any other times.
She may be on to something. As I hit the city limits of Jacksonville my shoulder started this piercing pain. It feels like someone is stabbing me. As we circle the buildings it just gets worse. Ken mentions I complained about the same thing when we came by work last Sunday, and that I rubbed my shoulder a lot. By the time I leave the city I can hardly hold onto the steering wheel. By StoodieVille, the pain is gone. Interesting.
Ken thinks I'm going to get my first speeding ticket ever soon. Honey you are going 85. Maybe you should move over to the other lane sooner, you got awful close to that guys bumper. Honey, speed limit goes down to 55 here. Now remember, you will be working some 1/2 days so this school zone might be active when you come through here. You didn't drive this fast going to Jacksontown, but you were this aggressive. This isn't like you Tamara. Ken is starting to sound like me before I found knitting. I'm usually a horrible passenger. I flinch and squirm and hit my phantom brake pedal. I warn Ken about people braking up ahead of us and all the swerving drivers. Now that I knit I'm hardly ever looking up. Ken thinks knitting is the most fabulous invention ever.
But he's right, this isn't how I drive normally. I'm a very defensive driver. I look ahead for the billion things that can go wrong and think what would I do if? I judiciously use cruise control, I have always liked to go fast but would choose when and where. There are some roads, like the highway between StoodyVille and Jacksontown that you just don't go that fast on. I had no idea I was going 85, I didn't want to use cruise control, it felt good to fly. I don't know if this is just the medication taking some edges off, or this is part of the new brain. Time will tell. Making it to 52 without a speeding ticket ever is some kind of a record I would think.
We get home and Ken leads me to the shower. Hot steamy water, lavender scented soap, and a good back and foot rub. I am blessed.
So my return to work day is now Friday. I will only work 1/2 day from 8 -12. My immediate supervisor will not be there, she took annual leave that day. Then starting next Tuesday I start work from 7 - 11. My immediate supervisor won't be there that day either. I work part time for two weeks (I think) and then we gradually add hours until I'm back up to my regular schedule. I mention to HR that I really want to go back to 7-5:30 four days a week. That way I can do all my appointments on Friday and don't have to use leave time etc. I also mentioned that was one of the things my direct supervisor had mentioned that I would possibly be losing soon. HR doesn't seem to think that schedule will be a problem at all, especially for that reason.
Leslie has advised me to come up with something to say when people ask where I've been. Something that won't get me in trouble, but will answer the question. She says turning the question back to the asker is always a good plan. So if someone asks where I've been say something like "oh here and there, is that a new shirt? That color is so lovely!" If someone says I hear you went crazy, I can say "its not all that far from here, didn't I see you there too?" Ok, maybe not that one.
I think I'll just say I needed some time and then ask a work related question. Nothing makes co-workers scatter faster than asking them to do something for you.
I am sitting on my bed typing this. The windows are open and there is a light breeze blowing my curtains. There are a few different birds chirping at each other, and one loud one is just flat hollering, I will name him Dave after my brother in law. The sun is starting its descent and the sunlight on the grass looks like warm butter. Soft and golden. The Desert Willow outside my window is in full purple bloom.
Breathe in two three four, breathe out two three four. Soak it in. Bury it into my memory. I can pull this moment back into my brain whenever I want and feel safe. I am my fortress, I can be safe anywhere. I am a beautiful perfect child of God.
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